"Questions invite authenticity. Questions give us permission to wonder. Questions open the door for wisdom...questions do disturb things. Seeing ourselves more clearly is not always comfortable-but it is always good." -C.D. Baker, Forty Loaves
This entire semester I have struggled to see a bigger picture of my current life. I've thought about how I would sum everything up if someone were to ask what I was learning or what God was doing in my world. And each time I thought about it, all that would come to mind was a bigger, more confusing mess of thoughts. However as I prepare for finals, between the "eat, study, coffee refill" cycle, for some reason its now that my head is beginning to clear. I'm realizing that there wasn't a series of summaries this semester. No nicely tied-up chapters. Instead this semester was characterized by a long series of questions. A journey that often seemed as if it had no intention of ever ending. A journey that now, I kind of hope never will.
I learned a lot this semester. For the first time in my life I was in a place with an abundance of space, energy and time to grow. Living with my grandparents I had a room and a car to myself and plenty of time to figure out how to connect in this new environment. So I explored and pushed myself to meet new people, find new connections, locate a church. Which I did, and began to meet some really great individuals. But as I made those connections I also began to evaluate things I had never quite taken the time to before. It was the first time I had been away from my Christian "safety net". As I was surrounded by people who held completely different beliefs and standards from my own I found myself wondering if there really was any substance to this idea of Christianity at all. Do I actually buy into this belief system? Is God actually guiding my life and the reason why I am here at this university? Or did I just get accepted based on the logical reasoning that I am reasonably well-rounded, smart, and willing to fight for it? These are just a few of the questions which began to spin through my brain.
Now I know questions like these might sound pretty contrary to what many of you know about me. They certainly seem to be quite a change from my last post. Maybe they sound heretical, or ungrateful, or just plain wrong. But the reality is, they were questions in my head whether I liked them or not. And I reasoned that if God truly was all that I had believed him to be, then my questions would not be too big for him to handle. My doubts were not going to topple him over. I mean, if they did then he wouldn't be the God I believed in in the first place, so what did I have to lose? I didn't want just an answer, I wanted truth.
So I started asking my questions. Excitedly, unashamedly, but also with fear when I felt very alone amidst them all. As I said I was away from my support networks and only in the beginning stages of finding new roots here. My boyfriend and best friend were certainly "with" me in terms of staying in touch but I struggled to communicate my jumbled thoughts even to them, and they couldn't be beside me day to day. Lonely and lost would be two words I would use to describe this time. But also honest. No questions were off limits. "Why Jesus?" "Why church?" "Do I legitimately believe that talking silently to an invisible God does anything?" "How do people legitimately connect with God-if they even can?" As the semester continued on, I did find some companions for my journey. Friends who were simply open to my questions and to asking some for themselves. A church group that let me push back against their arguments. People willing to admit that they didn't have all the answers, or life all figured out. Life was still a confusing mess but at least I was not alone.
Over the course of the semester my questions continued to become more focused and personal, hitting home painfully. They ranged from my connection with God, to standards, to relationships and ultimately to my identity. What parts of myself were true in certain settings and which were me at my core? The extremely vast majority of these questions I had asked myself before, but in this new place and new chapter in life, they begged to be evaluated again. Call me crazy, or analytical...both of them are likely a little bit true.
Grand finale-
Just kidding. I'm still not done with this whole process. There isn't any grand finale to this post and no epic conclusion. I have a reasonably solid grasp on what I believe about who God is, who Jesus was, and what that means for me day-to-day. And if you want to talk with me about any of those "conclusions" or other questions of your own I would be thrilled:) But what I've learned is bigger than what I've found so far. The point is that I'm not done looking. The point is that I hope I will continue to ask questions for the rest of my life. Hard questions. That I would always be willing to evaluate what I believe and why. That maybe I can be someone else's companion for the journey. Recognizing together that it will be both exciting and often terrifying. But fully, completely, 100% worth it. Truth is worth it.
If there are two things I have learned without a shadow of a doubt this semester, it is that if you have questions- its so important to ask them. Not everyone is brimming with questions, because that isn't the way we all work. We all see God and the world a little differently. But I would bet there are more questions-to-be-asked out there than we want to admit. More than I wanted to admit. Its important to be willing to ask even the most ridiculous questions. Because if they really are that ridiculous, the answers shouldn't be too hard to come by with a little searching.
Secondly- I've learned the importance of a companion willing to walk with you. I don't know if I did my questioning the "right way", (if that even exists) but I do know that bouncing questions off of those faithful few, regardless of their beliefs or background, was what helped keep me (mostly) sane.
My prayer is that if you have questions sitting in the back of your head, that you wouldn't let them keep sitting there. That you would be willing to be vulnerable. That's what it takes. A smidgeon of courage and a heaping scoop of vulnerability. My prayer is that you would find someone to walk with and start on your way. My prayer is that you would be willing to be like a child- not cynical, or hard, but obnoxiously inquisitive. Based on my experience this semester, my guess is that your asking will be well worth the time.
"Wisdom is found when troubled hearts ask honest questions" -C.D. Baker, Forty Loaves
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Invested Hope
I think it is finally time for me to sit down and write about what God is up to again in this woman's life. He has been blowing my mind lately, but I've been waiting for His gentle, peaceful nudge in order to share the amazing story with you. So here goes, it's story time...
You might have known already that I am at a new University this fall semester. I had been a student at a small liberal arts college out in Rochester and transferred to Binghamton because I believed God wanted me to pursue a nursing degree. So here I am, a new student, in a new place, with a clean, smooth start...almost.
When I arrived on campus a few weeks ago to register for classes, I was blindsided by a miscommunication error- I had been informed over the summer that I had two pre-requisite courses to complete before I could begin nursing classes, otherwise the program would require me to wait a whole extra year! So during the month of August I had scrambled to get those two courses completed and managed to make it through with only a feww mental breakdowns. In spite of all my efforts however, that day I was told I needed a third mandatory courses completed before classes started. At that point there was literally no way for me to complete the third course in 3 days time.
"You'll have to submit a petition to see if you could rush through an online course in the next few weeks.." I was told. "But I really don't think they will let this course slide like that..." My odds did not sound optimistic.
But I submitted the petition anyways, and waited. Four days later, I received an email informing me that my petition had been denied. "What is going on God?" I began to wonder. "You couldn't have let me come this far, only to have a door shut in my face, right?" But in the midst of the confusion, I thought back to other obstacles I had faced in the last year leading up to this transition. This pre-requisite problem was not the first miscommunication, and each time before, I knew God had opened the door and made a way for me to keep going. Multiple times I had hit a bump in the road and had freaked out, worried an embarrassing amount, and then God had shown Himself and nudged the door back open. This time, I decided I would not waste energy worrying- I was going to choose to trust that the entire situation and everyone involved was in His hands. No matter what happened it would be His will, and I was going to choose to see the good in that.
At the bottom of the email saying my petition was denied there was a statement that I could appeal to the Dean of the school if I so desired. Well duh, of course I would do that. If only I could explain my story to someone in power then the situation could be cleared up. I went in for my meeting hopeful, but unfortunately, although the Dean was extremely polite and sorry for the miscommunication, she denied my appeal as well. Strike three.
Now I was devastated. For the first time in 6 days I cried...hard. I was so heartbroken and hurt and confused...why would something like this happen? I called my parents, who had been praying fervently, and tried to get the information out through my painful tears. I wasn't hurt because of the possibility that God's will was sending me in a different direction- I was broken because I still believed I was doing the right thing, and couldn't understand how I had misunderstood so completely. If God's will was for me to be doing something else for a year, why hadn't He simply let me know earlier, or some other way? I had believed wholeheartedly that I was on the right track. I had invested hundreds of hours and dollars and moments of stress in order to follow that path. As far as I knew, my God wasn't about blindsiding His children like that. It just didn't feel right. As I was talking to my Dad on the phone, wiping tears away as rapidly as a high-speed windshield blade, he said to me "You believed this was what God wanted you to pursue, right? And so did your whole family and all of your close friends..." And I responded in a whisper- "I know Dad...but what if we were wrong?"
I was okay with being wrong. Really. What I wasn't okay with was God not making my wrong-ness clear. Not even a little. The possibility really hurt.
I had been told I had one more appeal allotted to me. I could appeal to the University Provost, who for any of you who don't know is basically one step below the college president. You know, the boss of all the Deans, office on the seventh floor...in charge of 15,000 students. Yeah no big deal. It seemed like the crack in this barely opened door was getting smaller and smaller. It seemed impossible, and while I still believed my God could fling that door wide open if He wanted to, it also didn't really seem like He planned on doing that anymore. It seemed like I needed to be okay with the ending, whatever was going to come.
I called the office of the Provost, explained my story to the secretary, and she told me Mr. Provost Sir would be back in touch with me as absolutely soon as possible.
Then I waited two days.
They were really long days.
By the end of the second day I had called around five times with no response, and I had decided to pack up my belongings from the house I was staying in to be ready to drive home. It wasn't that I didn't think God could open the door. It was that I was ready to trust whatever it was He had planned for the next year. Like Abraham headed up the mountain with his son Issac, I didn't know what God intended to do, but I was going to trust Him no matter how badly it hurt.
Still no response from the school by dinnertime, so I left. Really left. I began driving home, and as I drove the tears began to fall for the second time. I imagined trying to explain this story back home which made no sense to me, let alone to the people I would tell it to. I imagined the confusion and the compassion in their eyes and yet couldn't imagine the good in it just yet. On the interstate I hit a massive rainstorm, and the resounding thought in my head was, "sometimes bad things happen, and sometimes life doesn't make sense". Again and again. As that thought circled I hit a scary amount of flooding on the road and thankfully made it to the other side of the rushing water just as the sun began to break through. That's when a new thought provided an end to the previous one- "...but the storm never lasts forever."
I kept driving, with a sliver of fresh hope, when my phone rang. It was the Vice Provost. He had called to tell me he had been looking into my case all day long, talking to and even visiting most of the directors of the nursing program about my dilemma. And after all of his research, he had decided to give me a chance. A chance to complete my pre-requisite course before September 27th, and to continue on in the 2013 program.
Holy impossibility.
I was baffled, and shocked, and intimidated. Is this for real? My injured hopes wondered. Am I allowed to go after this again? I called my family for some pinch on the arm, that this was really happening after all...and it really was.
With renewed determination and a powerful knowledge that my God truly does want me here after all, in the past 7 days I have blasted through more than 2/3 of a 24 week course. I am still just as intimidated, and know I am no superwoman, but goodness gracious if I know my God opened the most impossible of doors to allow me to be here, then I am going to take hold of this chance with every ounce of who I am.
I am blessed beyond measure. My God has not and will not let me fall. As it says in Psalm 147:10-11,
"[God] takes no pleasure in the raw strength of horses;
You might have known already that I am at a new University this fall semester. I had been a student at a small liberal arts college out in Rochester and transferred to Binghamton because I believed God wanted me to pursue a nursing degree. So here I am, a new student, in a new place, with a clean, smooth start...almost.
When I arrived on campus a few weeks ago to register for classes, I was blindsided by a miscommunication error- I had been informed over the summer that I had two pre-requisite courses to complete before I could begin nursing classes, otherwise the program would require me to wait a whole extra year! So during the month of August I had scrambled to get those two courses completed and managed to make it through with only a feww mental breakdowns. In spite of all my efforts however, that day I was told I needed a third mandatory courses completed before classes started. At that point there was literally no way for me to complete the third course in 3 days time.
"You'll have to submit a petition to see if you could rush through an online course in the next few weeks.." I was told. "But I really don't think they will let this course slide like that..." My odds did not sound optimistic.
But I submitted the petition anyways, and waited. Four days later, I received an email informing me that my petition had been denied. "What is going on God?" I began to wonder. "You couldn't have let me come this far, only to have a door shut in my face, right?" But in the midst of the confusion, I thought back to other obstacles I had faced in the last year leading up to this transition. This pre-requisite problem was not the first miscommunication, and each time before, I knew God had opened the door and made a way for me to keep going. Multiple times I had hit a bump in the road and had freaked out, worried an embarrassing amount, and then God had shown Himself and nudged the door back open. This time, I decided I would not waste energy worrying- I was going to choose to trust that the entire situation and everyone involved was in His hands. No matter what happened it would be His will, and I was going to choose to see the good in that.
At the bottom of the email saying my petition was denied there was a statement that I could appeal to the Dean of the school if I so desired. Well duh, of course I would do that. If only I could explain my story to someone in power then the situation could be cleared up. I went in for my meeting hopeful, but unfortunately, although the Dean was extremely polite and sorry for the miscommunication, she denied my appeal as well. Strike three.
Now I was devastated. For the first time in 6 days I cried...hard. I was so heartbroken and hurt and confused...why would something like this happen? I called my parents, who had been praying fervently, and tried to get the information out through my painful tears. I wasn't hurt because of the possibility that God's will was sending me in a different direction- I was broken because I still believed I was doing the right thing, and couldn't understand how I had misunderstood so completely. If God's will was for me to be doing something else for a year, why hadn't He simply let me know earlier, or some other way? I had believed wholeheartedly that I was on the right track. I had invested hundreds of hours and dollars and moments of stress in order to follow that path. As far as I knew, my God wasn't about blindsiding His children like that. It just didn't feel right. As I was talking to my Dad on the phone, wiping tears away as rapidly as a high-speed windshield blade, he said to me "You believed this was what God wanted you to pursue, right? And so did your whole family and all of your close friends..." And I responded in a whisper- "I know Dad...but what if we were wrong?"
I was okay with being wrong. Really. What I wasn't okay with was God not making my wrong-ness clear. Not even a little. The possibility really hurt.
I had been told I had one more appeal allotted to me. I could appeal to the University Provost, who for any of you who don't know is basically one step below the college president. You know, the boss of all the Deans, office on the seventh floor...in charge of 15,000 students. Yeah no big deal. It seemed like the crack in this barely opened door was getting smaller and smaller. It seemed impossible, and while I still believed my God could fling that door wide open if He wanted to, it also didn't really seem like He planned on doing that anymore. It seemed like I needed to be okay with the ending, whatever was going to come.
I called the office of the Provost, explained my story to the secretary, and she told me Mr. Provost Sir would be back in touch with me as absolutely soon as possible.
Then I waited two days.
They were really long days.
By the end of the second day I had called around five times with no response, and I had decided to pack up my belongings from the house I was staying in to be ready to drive home. It wasn't that I didn't think God could open the door. It was that I was ready to trust whatever it was He had planned for the next year. Like Abraham headed up the mountain with his son Issac, I didn't know what God intended to do, but I was going to trust Him no matter how badly it hurt.
Still no response from the school by dinnertime, so I left. Really left. I began driving home, and as I drove the tears began to fall for the second time. I imagined trying to explain this story back home which made no sense to me, let alone to the people I would tell it to. I imagined the confusion and the compassion in their eyes and yet couldn't imagine the good in it just yet. On the interstate I hit a massive rainstorm, and the resounding thought in my head was, "sometimes bad things happen, and sometimes life doesn't make sense". Again and again. As that thought circled I hit a scary amount of flooding on the road and thankfully made it to the other side of the rushing water just as the sun began to break through. That's when a new thought provided an end to the previous one- "...but the storm never lasts forever."
I kept driving, with a sliver of fresh hope, when my phone rang. It was the Vice Provost. He had called to tell me he had been looking into my case all day long, talking to and even visiting most of the directors of the nursing program about my dilemma. And after all of his research, he had decided to give me a chance. A chance to complete my pre-requisite course before September 27th, and to continue on in the 2013 program.
Holy impossibility.
I was baffled, and shocked, and intimidated. Is this for real? My injured hopes wondered. Am I allowed to go after this again? I called my family for some pinch on the arm, that this was really happening after all...and it really was.
With renewed determination and a powerful knowledge that my God truly does want me here after all, in the past 7 days I have blasted through more than 2/3 of a 24 week course. I am still just as intimidated, and know I am no superwoman, but goodness gracious if I know my God opened the most impossible of doors to allow me to be here, then I am going to take hold of this chance with every ounce of who I am.
I am blessed beyond measure. My God has not and will not let me fall. As it says in Psalm 147:10-11,
"[God] takes no pleasure in the raw strength of horses;
He finds no joy in the speed of the sprinter.
But the Eternal does take pleasure in those who worship Him,
those who invest hope in His unfailing love." Psalm 147:10-11
Hope invested in Christ is never hope wasted. Sometimes bad things happen. Yeah. But the storm isn't going to last forever, and maybe God is busy setting an impossible stage for a bigger production than we ever imagined. If He calls you to something, keep walking up that mountain and trust He will make it happen. Tears are okay, doubts are okay too. But whatever you do, may you know that following Him with everything you are is never, ever a waste.
But the Eternal does take pleasure in those who worship Him,
those who invest hope in His unfailing love." Psalm 147:10-11
Hope invested in Christ is never hope wasted. Sometimes bad things happen. Yeah. But the storm isn't going to last forever, and maybe God is busy setting an impossible stage for a bigger production than we ever imagined. If He calls you to something, keep walking up that mountain and trust He will make it happen. Tears are okay, doubts are okay too. But whatever you do, may you know that following Him with everything you are is never, ever a waste.
p.s. if you still have time after all that reading, here's another story about God and "impossibilites":
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Judges%206&version=VOICE
My story is by no means the first, and it won't be the last:)
My story is by no means the first, and it won't be the last:)
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
His Voice
"With the utterance of [God's] Voice, creation takes form, chaos yields to order, light eclipses darkness and emptiness fills with life." -The Voice commentary
I am broken, chaotic and messy. My God is glorious, mighty and faithful. If you don't know Him, you should. There is nothing similar to the knowledge that your heavenly Father is walking with you, faithfully pursuing you and patiently waiting to guide you even when you are the one who has walked away. It has been quite some time now since I have consistently been walking in step with God...quite some time since the feeling of being burnt out has ebbed away. Quite some time since the chaos of life and the emptiness that comes from living it my way have been surrendered to my Almighty Savior. But He never changed, and He never left my side. And only now am I finding the place where I can testify to that again.
I posted a few times during school this past year, during a few snapshot moments where I was truly able to see my Lord speaking into the world surrounding me and causing things to take place. It was a school year of countless blessings and many trials as well. Many of those trials were times of brokenness where I never quite had the space or breathing room to heal afterwords, and yet I begged Jesus to please just allow me to find that time. Please Jesus, allow me to find healing and restoration after a year that simply knocked the wind out of me. As I looked toward the beginning of this summer, I was skeptical of finding that rest, and even scared of being pushed to that burnt place again. The first month back I still felt broken, still longing for life to pause long enough for me to actually breathe, and still not trusting that God knew my desperate need. I figured that since it had been so long since I had consistently been faithful to Him, He must not have been able to hear my heart.
But here's the thing. He did hear. The whole time.
He had been speaking. Every day.
And with the utterance of His voice, the chaos, the darkness, and the emptiness I have battled with is finally beginning to flee.
I don't mean to make this more complicated or wordy than it needs to be. All I am hoping to get across is that Jesus Christ is alive today and so incredibly faithful. He wants us in our brokenness and has never walked away, even from a mess like me. If you are in a place of discouragement, or exhaustion, or painful loneliness- know that He sees you, right where you're at. And He longs to speak softly into your world, if only you would look and listen. If only you would let your hurt carry you to His arms, rather than away. It doesn't matter how long it has been, or if you've never heard Him speak at all. It didn't matter for me. He is waiting for us to pause, to call Him Lord, and believe that He gave every ounce of Himself for just the hope of walking with us. He longs for you to not merely know that, but for you to believe that. Bank on that. Dwell on that. Because in that truth hides something even more. If He gave everything, simply to make speaking into your life possible- how much more is He yearning to speak to you now in your brokenness?
I am broken, chaotic and messy. My God is glorious, mighty and faithful. If you don't know Him, you should. There is nothing similar to the knowledge that your heavenly Father is walking with you, faithfully pursuing you and patiently waiting to guide you even when you are the one who has walked away. It has been quite some time now since I have consistently been walking in step with God...quite some time since the feeling of being burnt out has ebbed away. Quite some time since the chaos of life and the emptiness that comes from living it my way have been surrendered to my Almighty Savior. But He never changed, and He never left my side. And only now am I finding the place where I can testify to that again.
I posted a few times during school this past year, during a few snapshot moments where I was truly able to see my Lord speaking into the world surrounding me and causing things to take place. It was a school year of countless blessings and many trials as well. Many of those trials were times of brokenness where I never quite had the space or breathing room to heal afterwords, and yet I begged Jesus to please just allow me to find that time. Please Jesus, allow me to find healing and restoration after a year that simply knocked the wind out of me. As I looked toward the beginning of this summer, I was skeptical of finding that rest, and even scared of being pushed to that burnt place again. The first month back I still felt broken, still longing for life to pause long enough for me to actually breathe, and still not trusting that God knew my desperate need. I figured that since it had been so long since I had consistently been faithful to Him, He must not have been able to hear my heart.
But here's the thing. He did hear. The whole time.
He had been speaking. Every day.
And with the utterance of His voice, the chaos, the darkness, and the emptiness I have battled with is finally beginning to flee.
I don't mean to make this more complicated or wordy than it needs to be. All I am hoping to get across is that Jesus Christ is alive today and so incredibly faithful. He wants us in our brokenness and has never walked away, even from a mess like me. If you are in a place of discouragement, or exhaustion, or painful loneliness- know that He sees you, right where you're at. And He longs to speak softly into your world, if only you would look and listen. If only you would let your hurt carry you to His arms, rather than away. It doesn't matter how long it has been, or if you've never heard Him speak at all. It didn't matter for me. He is waiting for us to pause, to call Him Lord, and believe that He gave every ounce of Himself for just the hope of walking with us. He longs for you to not merely know that, but for you to believe that. Bank on that. Dwell on that. Because in that truth hides something even more. If He gave everything, simply to make speaking into your life possible- how much more is He yearning to speak to you now in your brokenness?
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Just Sit Still
Have you ever realized that the busyness of our lives can be a wall? That it can be a security blanket or shield or whatever else you want to call it? I feel as if someone must have told me this along the way somewhere in life, but it never really hit me until just today. I really don't know what to do with myself when I am not busy.
A friend of mine went to Africa last year, and has tried to explain to me what it feels like to have hours to spend with God, soaking up His creation and having no other commitments than simply building relationships, reveling in life and admiring the breath-stealing creation God has placed around us. I remember telling her how jealous I was, how much I would love to know what that felt like in my own life, but I didn't think much deeper than that.
This week I have three days with no classes, and the days which I do have class are minimal in the amount of work I need to turn in. It seems like this moment would be something to make me jump up and down and simply rejoice in, considering I've been asking God for this mini-vacation for so incredibly long now. But when I looked at my schedule yesterday afternoon and saw nothing recorded for the next two days, I have to admit a little bashfully- I felt slightly anxious. The thoughts began running through my head- What if I really take that time to rest and then I can't get back on track? What if I look back on these few days and realize how much work I could have done instead of being lazy? What if I spend my time wastefully, instead of being productive? What if I miss this chance to be more like whats-her-name?
It might seem ridiculous, but I didn't feel free. I felt vulnerable.
By nature my personality has always thrived on being busy. I've rejoiced in checking things off to-do lists and being successful, but haven't always striven to work as if for the Lord.
"So no matter what your task is, work hard. Always do your best as the Lord's servant, not as man's, because you know your reward is the Lord's inheritance. You serve the Lord, the Anointed One." Col. 3:23-24 (The Voice)
I guess when I hear that verse, I usually think of spending every last ounce of energy to make sure I meet some kind of mark. And then when whatever success I have reached is not "everything I could have done" or achieved, I feel as if I have let my Savior down. What a blatant lie this is! My God is not held up or let down by the things I see as successes or failures. He doesn't need me for that. He doesn't need my busy schedule. Or my "connections" to the right people and places. He doesn't need my standing among my peers or rapport with my professors. I don't have to be successful in any way to make Him proud of me. My Savior rejoices in my stillness.
"Be still, be calm, see, and understand I am the True God. I am honored among all the nations. I am honored over all the earth."-Psalm 46:10(The Voice)
There is a false security and safety net that I have found in the center of being busy. I recognize now why my God gave me a period of rest- not simply so I could continue on being so busy, but so I could remember how important it is to rest. I believe He called me to a few days of rest not so I could be more comfortable, but so that I could recognize my own discomfort. My source of security and worth which wasn't Him. He called me to rest so that I could actually wake up.
Wherever this day finds you, whether you're caught in a whirlwind of comparison, silent competition, or wrapped in the middle of a margin-less life, I pray that you would choose the time to pause. Not just another check on that list of yours. Not a way you can be more successful. But a way that you can stop and see your need for something deeper. Let yourself be vulnerable in a way which I have struggled to. Choose. To. Just. Sit. Still.
May we find the courage to rest, and the humility to be still. In Jesus' strength.
A friend of mine went to Africa last year, and has tried to explain to me what it feels like to have hours to spend with God, soaking up His creation and having no other commitments than simply building relationships, reveling in life and admiring the breath-stealing creation God has placed around us. I remember telling her how jealous I was, how much I would love to know what that felt like in my own life, but I didn't think much deeper than that.
This week I have three days with no classes, and the days which I do have class are minimal in the amount of work I need to turn in. It seems like this moment would be something to make me jump up and down and simply rejoice in, considering I've been asking God for this mini-vacation for so incredibly long now. But when I looked at my schedule yesterday afternoon and saw nothing recorded for the next two days, I have to admit a little bashfully- I felt slightly anxious. The thoughts began running through my head- What if I really take that time to rest and then I can't get back on track? What if I look back on these few days and realize how much work I could have done instead of being lazy? What if I spend my time wastefully, instead of being productive? What if I miss this chance to be more like whats-her-name?
It might seem ridiculous, but I didn't feel free. I felt vulnerable.
By nature my personality has always thrived on being busy. I've rejoiced in checking things off to-do lists and being successful, but haven't always striven to work as if for the Lord.
"So no matter what your task is, work hard. Always do your best as the Lord's servant, not as man's, because you know your reward is the Lord's inheritance. You serve the Lord, the Anointed One." Col. 3:23-24 (The Voice)
I guess when I hear that verse, I usually think of spending every last ounce of energy to make sure I meet some kind of mark. And then when whatever success I have reached is not "everything I could have done" or achieved, I feel as if I have let my Savior down. What a blatant lie this is! My God is not held up or let down by the things I see as successes or failures. He doesn't need me for that. He doesn't need my busy schedule. Or my "connections" to the right people and places. He doesn't need my standing among my peers or rapport with my professors. I don't have to be successful in any way to make Him proud of me. My Savior rejoices in my stillness.
"Be still, be calm, see, and understand I am the True God. I am honored among all the nations. I am honored over all the earth."-Psalm 46:10(The Voice)
There is a false security and safety net that I have found in the center of being busy. I recognize now why my God gave me a period of rest- not simply so I could continue on being so busy, but so I could remember how important it is to rest. I believe He called me to a few days of rest not so I could be more comfortable, but so that I could recognize my own discomfort. My source of security and worth which wasn't Him. He called me to rest so that I could actually wake up.
Wherever this day finds you, whether you're caught in a whirlwind of comparison, silent competition, or wrapped in the middle of a margin-less life, I pray that you would choose the time to pause. Not just another check on that list of yours. Not a way you can be more successful. But a way that you can stop and see your need for something deeper. Let yourself be vulnerable in a way which I have struggled to. Choose. To. Just. Sit. Still.
May we find the courage to rest, and the humility to be still. In Jesus' strength.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Minty Kisses
God is so good :) I am in love. And believe it or not, chemistry is not the end of my world. Who knew?
This week started out tough, coming off a break which was slightly-less-than-restful and having a perspective on my world which included mentally surviving just the given day. I was cranky (at least in my head) and to be honest the one thing that reminded me to keep looking to God was a close friend asking, "Are you where God wants you to be?" and "Are you doing the absolute best you can under the circumstances?".... and me responding with a slightly reluctant, but honest, "Yes".
Tuesday morning I woke up and went to spend time with God by reading a devotional which directed me towards Romans 8:28 which goes like this-
"We are confident that God is able to orchestrate everything to work toward something good and beautiful when we love Him and accept His invitation to live according to His plan."
Beautiful, right? It was to me, although a little humbling too as I recognized I hadn't been consciously taking God up on this truth over the past week. Then my eyes drifted to earlier in the chapter, where Paul is talking about sufferings- its beautiful, so I'll put it in here too-
"Now I'm sure of this: the sufferings we endure now are not even worth comparing to the glory that is coming and will be revealed in us...when our adoption as children of God is complete"
When I read this, a smile broke onto my face as I was reminded of a conversation I had with a friend the other day. Now, this friend of mine absolutely hates mint. He hates the taste of it, hates the smell of it, and especially hates the way it feels...lungs mouth, whatever. So when I was talking with him the other day, I asked what would happen if or when his girlfriend went to kiss him with minty breath. He thought for a second and then responded, "Kelly, my dislike for mint is not even in the same category as my desire for her kisses. They literally don't even compare." And I laughed out loud :)
I remembered this conversation in light of my devotion because I realized that my love for my Savior and desire to "accept His invitation" should not have even been in the same category of the difficulties or struggles (or chemistry) that I have been facing. I realized that in light of the love of Christ, all my obstacles were nothing more than "minty kisses". Connected, but not comparable. It really made me smile and laugh, which I think is God's way of letting us know how much we are loved sometimes.
May you be able to see whatever difficulties or trials that you are in the midst of this week as minty kisses, and may you be able to reach out from wherever you are and recognize the deepest love He has for you in return. Unexplainable and yet simple. Bowl-you-over, yet the only thing keeping you standing up. Contagious. Breath-altering. And beautiful beyond words. That is a love beyond comparison. That, my siblings, is the love of our God. May you know it today.
Love and blessings in Christ wherever this finds you.
-Kelly
This week started out tough, coming off a break which was slightly-less-than-restful and having a perspective on my world which included mentally surviving just the given day. I was cranky (at least in my head) and to be honest the one thing that reminded me to keep looking to God was a close friend asking, "Are you where God wants you to be?" and "Are you doing the absolute best you can under the circumstances?".... and me responding with a slightly reluctant, but honest, "Yes".
Tuesday morning I woke up and went to spend time with God by reading a devotional which directed me towards Romans 8:28 which goes like this-
"We are confident that God is able to orchestrate everything to work toward something good and beautiful when we love Him and accept His invitation to live according to His plan."
Beautiful, right? It was to me, although a little humbling too as I recognized I hadn't been consciously taking God up on this truth over the past week. Then my eyes drifted to earlier in the chapter, where Paul is talking about sufferings- its beautiful, so I'll put it in here too-
"Now I'm sure of this: the sufferings we endure now are not even worth comparing to the glory that is coming and will be revealed in us...when our adoption as children of God is complete"
When I read this, a smile broke onto my face as I was reminded of a conversation I had with a friend the other day. Now, this friend of mine absolutely hates mint. He hates the taste of it, hates the smell of it, and especially hates the way it feels...lungs mouth, whatever. So when I was talking with him the other day, I asked what would happen if or when his girlfriend went to kiss him with minty breath. He thought for a second and then responded, "Kelly, my dislike for mint is not even in the same category as my desire for her kisses. They literally don't even compare." And I laughed out loud :)
I remembered this conversation in light of my devotion because I realized that my love for my Savior and desire to "accept His invitation" should not have even been in the same category of the difficulties or struggles (or chemistry) that I have been facing. I realized that in light of the love of Christ, all my obstacles were nothing more than "minty kisses". Connected, but not comparable. It really made me smile and laugh, which I think is God's way of letting us know how much we are loved sometimes.
May you be able to see whatever difficulties or trials that you are in the midst of this week as minty kisses, and may you be able to reach out from wherever you are and recognize the deepest love He has for you in return. Unexplainable and yet simple. Bowl-you-over, yet the only thing keeping you standing up. Contagious. Breath-altering. And beautiful beyond words. That is a love beyond comparison. That, my siblings, is the love of our God. May you know it today.
Love and blessings in Christ wherever this finds you.
-Kelly
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Incredible, Uncomfortable God
God is up to big things in this girl's world again. I know that He is always moving and working but its crazy when its the pieces of my puzzle that He chooses to pick up and put together in a way that will bring Him glory.
For those of you who don't know already, God has been putting lots of little pieces together around me that are directing me towards studying at a different university next year. I'm only a sophomore here at Houghton and so I've been in that place of feeling like I've found my "niche" at last, and was beginning to settle in and get comfortable. Part of me wonders if that statement alone- "beginning to get comfortable" is the very reason why God is pointing me to somewhere else. I believe that God sometimes calls us to rest, always calls us to His arms, but never calls us to be comfortable. It is when we are not being challenged, not facing conflict in our lives that causes us to run to Him, that I question whether or not we are giving Him everything we are or not. To give you a little more background on this particular praise of God's faithfulness actually, I think I'll step back to the work He did in my world over Christmas break.
During my Christmas-New Years this year there were multiple close people in my life who passed away. The first was my beloved uncle and godfather- one of the people I considered myself closest to on my Dad's side of the family, and his sudden passing left everyone around him in complete shock. I was heartbroken and after coming out of a grueling fall semester at school, I was at the point of feeling both spiritually and emotionally dead. I was broken and weak, and soon I became physically ill as well due to all the tears that fell both from me and the emotions of those around me.
Next a good friend from church passed away from cancer. We found this out the very day that our family trudged back home from my uncles funeral and so my brain did not take that very well. I became numb and mentally dead from the overwhelming nature of it all. By this point I was spiritually, emotionally, physically and even emotionally compromised. Not even just compromised- empty. I had nothing left and was so very broken.
The night of the funeral for the friend from church, we received news that my dad's uncle had passed away as well. As I stood in my kitchen at home, waiting for the family to head to the church, my Dad walked up to me and asked if I was okay. I responded, "Dad, I was expecting and hoping to get rest over this break, and I've had exactly the opposite of that happen...I have nothing left in me." He held me in his arms as I cried that night, and we headed off to the calling hours with the numbness still hanging over me. People cried all around me but I felt nothing but guilt for not being more sad. As the service started, I noticed something right away. The point of this funeral was not to remain fixated on grief. The point of the funeral was to recognize that every single person in that room knew where our friend had gone. He was a man who was defined by his faith, by his family and overall, his deep trust in the Lord. The service focused on hope, and on having that same kind of trust that he had during his life. It was more than beautiful.
As we began to sing worship that night I spoke to God again saying, "Papa I still have nothing left..." and He responded, not in a voice but a realization- maybe that place of brokenness is exactly where I needed to be.
What I realized that night is something I had forgotten so rapidly over fall semester. That Christ is literally everything important, and therefore knowing Him means more than anything else. Surrendering to Him is as crucial as breathing. And listening for His voice is the most valuable time I could spend. I had come to the point of utter brokenness, and found that it was exactly the place where I most needed to be.
After break wrapped up I came back to college under the impression that I would be remaining at Houghton until God clearly told me otherwise. The first few weeks of only science-related classes and I was in love with every bit of the material. It was encouraging and yet also confusing in light of the recognition that Houghton doesn't have a nursing program, yet God wanted me to stay here. So I just kept studying on.
Then few weeks ago, alot of little things began to hit me that hadn't before. First, my best friend here at school decided she was going to graduate after 3 years instead of four. I received an email from another school letting me know that all of my credits here at Houghton transfer to their program. My dad called to let me know Houghton was too expensive this year so we would need to take out a bigger loan for the first time. I looked up the school I would potentially transfer to and found out that not only was it 15 minutes from my grandparents house, I would be saving over $20,000 to attend there instead of here for next year. There were many other factors but all this to say- God started handing me the clarity I had been asking for and I started following. It hasn't been easy to get my head around, but as with most things God has done in my world, the peace He places in the midst of the uncertainty is more than enough to hold and comfort me.
I handed in my application and essay soon after. Here's an excerpt from what I wrote for the school:
"...As much as my heart is in science, nursing, and people, there is a difficult aspect to transferring from the school which I now attend into a "new world" all over again. To choose to be uprooted from my comfort zone, to adjust again to a new atmosphere, new faces, classrooms and professors. To step away from everything dearly loved and familiar into the brand-new unknown. In that sense, I am deeply saddened, yet not timid of this potential change. Because I know nursing is what I want to study, what I feel called to pursue, I am willing to step out into the unfamiliar and alter my world all over again in order to do so. I believe God has called me to the nursing field and I am excited to see where He takes me in that..."
When I started writing this post I was not expecting to share all of this with each of you. But as I wrote God guided my words deeper than I had thought they would go. I don't know if that was particularly for me, to be reminded again of the depth of His goodness, or maybe something He put on my heart spoke to you as well. Who knows. What I do know is that I serve a God who holds me in mighty hands. I pray that you might come to know His love and power in your own world. His not a "comfortable" God- I have come to learn that plainly. But He is more than worth it. I promise you that.
Much love to whoever you are, where ever you are at. In Jesus' Name.
For those of you who don't know already, God has been putting lots of little pieces together around me that are directing me towards studying at a different university next year. I'm only a sophomore here at Houghton and so I've been in that place of feeling like I've found my "niche" at last, and was beginning to settle in and get comfortable. Part of me wonders if that statement alone- "beginning to get comfortable" is the very reason why God is pointing me to somewhere else. I believe that God sometimes calls us to rest, always calls us to His arms, but never calls us to be comfortable. It is when we are not being challenged, not facing conflict in our lives that causes us to run to Him, that I question whether or not we are giving Him everything we are or not. To give you a little more background on this particular praise of God's faithfulness actually, I think I'll step back to the work He did in my world over Christmas break.
During my Christmas-New Years this year there were multiple close people in my life who passed away. The first was my beloved uncle and godfather- one of the people I considered myself closest to on my Dad's side of the family, and his sudden passing left everyone around him in complete shock. I was heartbroken and after coming out of a grueling fall semester at school, I was at the point of feeling both spiritually and emotionally dead. I was broken and weak, and soon I became physically ill as well due to all the tears that fell both from me and the emotions of those around me.
Next a good friend from church passed away from cancer. We found this out the very day that our family trudged back home from my uncles funeral and so my brain did not take that very well. I became numb and mentally dead from the overwhelming nature of it all. By this point I was spiritually, emotionally, physically and even emotionally compromised. Not even just compromised- empty. I had nothing left and was so very broken.
The night of the funeral for the friend from church, we received news that my dad's uncle had passed away as well. As I stood in my kitchen at home, waiting for the family to head to the church, my Dad walked up to me and asked if I was okay. I responded, "Dad, I was expecting and hoping to get rest over this break, and I've had exactly the opposite of that happen...I have nothing left in me." He held me in his arms as I cried that night, and we headed off to the calling hours with the numbness still hanging over me. People cried all around me but I felt nothing but guilt for not being more sad. As the service started, I noticed something right away. The point of this funeral was not to remain fixated on grief. The point of the funeral was to recognize that every single person in that room knew where our friend had gone. He was a man who was defined by his faith, by his family and overall, his deep trust in the Lord. The service focused on hope, and on having that same kind of trust that he had during his life. It was more than beautiful.
As we began to sing worship that night I spoke to God again saying, "Papa I still have nothing left..." and He responded, not in a voice but a realization- maybe that place of brokenness is exactly where I needed to be.
What I realized that night is something I had forgotten so rapidly over fall semester. That Christ is literally everything important, and therefore knowing Him means more than anything else. Surrendering to Him is as crucial as breathing. And listening for His voice is the most valuable time I could spend. I had come to the point of utter brokenness, and found that it was exactly the place where I most needed to be.
After break wrapped up I came back to college under the impression that I would be remaining at Houghton until God clearly told me otherwise. The first few weeks of only science-related classes and I was in love with every bit of the material. It was encouraging and yet also confusing in light of the recognition that Houghton doesn't have a nursing program, yet God wanted me to stay here. So I just kept studying on.
Then few weeks ago, alot of little things began to hit me that hadn't before. First, my best friend here at school decided she was going to graduate after 3 years instead of four. I received an email from another school letting me know that all of my credits here at Houghton transfer to their program. My dad called to let me know Houghton was too expensive this year so we would need to take out a bigger loan for the first time. I looked up the school I would potentially transfer to and found out that not only was it 15 minutes from my grandparents house, I would be saving over $20,000 to attend there instead of here for next year. There were many other factors but all this to say- God started handing me the clarity I had been asking for and I started following. It hasn't been easy to get my head around, but as with most things God has done in my world, the peace He places in the midst of the uncertainty is more than enough to hold and comfort me.
I handed in my application and essay soon after. Here's an excerpt from what I wrote for the school:
"...As much as my heart is in science, nursing, and people, there is a difficult aspect to transferring from the school which I now attend into a "new world" all over again. To choose to be uprooted from my comfort zone, to adjust again to a new atmosphere, new faces, classrooms and professors. To step away from everything dearly loved and familiar into the brand-new unknown. In that sense, I am deeply saddened, yet not timid of this potential change. Because I know nursing is what I want to study, what I feel called to pursue, I am willing to step out into the unfamiliar and alter my world all over again in order to do so. I believe God has called me to the nursing field and I am excited to see where He takes me in that..."
When I started writing this post I was not expecting to share all of this with each of you. But as I wrote God guided my words deeper than I had thought they would go. I don't know if that was particularly for me, to be reminded again of the depth of His goodness, or maybe something He put on my heart spoke to you as well. Who knows. What I do know is that I serve a God who holds me in mighty hands. I pray that you might come to know His love and power in your own world. His not a "comfortable" God- I have come to learn that plainly. But He is more than worth it. I promise you that.
Much love to whoever you are, where ever you are at. In Jesus' Name.
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