God is up to big things in this girl's world again. I know that He is always moving and working but its crazy when its the pieces of my puzzle that He chooses to pick up and put together in a way that will bring Him glory.
For those of you who don't know already, God has been putting lots of little pieces together around me that are directing me towards studying at a different university next year. I'm only a sophomore here at Houghton and so I've been in that place of feeling like I've found my "niche" at last, and was beginning to settle in and get comfortable. Part of me wonders if that statement alone- "beginning to get comfortable" is the very reason why God is pointing me to somewhere else. I believe that God sometimes calls us to rest, always calls us to His arms, but never calls us to be comfortable. It is when we are not being challenged, not facing conflict in our lives that causes us to run to Him, that I question whether or not we are giving Him everything we are or not. To give you a little more background on this particular praise of God's faithfulness actually, I think I'll step back to the work He did in my world over Christmas break.
During my Christmas-New Years this year there were multiple close people in my life who passed away. The first was my beloved uncle and godfather- one of the people I considered myself closest to on my Dad's side of the family, and his sudden passing left everyone around him in complete shock. I was heartbroken and after coming out of a grueling fall semester at school, I was at the point of feeling both spiritually and emotionally dead. I was broken and weak, and soon I became physically ill as well due to all the tears that fell both from me and the emotions of those around me.
Next a good friend from church passed away from cancer. We found this out the very day that our family trudged back home from my uncles funeral and so my brain did not take that very well. I became numb and mentally dead from the overwhelming nature of it all. By this point I was spiritually, emotionally, physically and even emotionally compromised. Not even just compromised- empty. I had nothing left and was so very broken.
The night of the funeral for the friend from church, we received news that my dad's uncle had passed away as well. As I stood in my kitchen at home, waiting for the family to head to the church, my Dad walked up to me and asked if I was okay. I responded, "Dad, I was expecting and hoping to get rest over this break, and I've had exactly the opposite of that happen...I have nothing left in me." He held me in his arms as I cried that night, and we headed off to the calling hours with the numbness still hanging over me. People cried all around me but I felt nothing but guilt for not being more sad. As the service started, I noticed something right away. The point of this funeral was not to remain fixated on grief. The point of the funeral was to recognize that every single person in that room knew where our friend had gone. He was a man who was defined by his faith, by his family and overall, his deep trust in the Lord. The service focused on hope, and on having that same kind of trust that he had during his life. It was more than beautiful.
As we began to sing worship that night I spoke to God again saying, "Papa I still have nothing left..." and He responded, not in a voice but a realization- maybe that place of brokenness is exactly where I needed to be.
What I realized that night is something I had forgotten so rapidly over fall semester. That Christ is literally everything important, and therefore knowing Him means more than anything else. Surrendering to Him is as crucial as breathing. And listening for His voice is the most valuable time I could spend. I had come to the point of utter brokenness, and found that it was exactly the place where I most needed to be.
After break wrapped up I came back to college under the impression that I would be remaining at Houghton until God clearly told me otherwise. The first few weeks of only science-related classes and I was in love with every bit of the material. It was encouraging and yet also confusing in light of the recognition that Houghton doesn't have a nursing program, yet God wanted me to stay here. So I just kept studying on.
Then few weeks ago, alot of little things began to hit me that hadn't before. First, my best friend here at school decided she was going to graduate after 3 years instead of four. I received an email from another school letting me know that all of my credits here at Houghton transfer to their program. My dad called to let me know Houghton was too expensive this year so we would need to take out a bigger loan for the first time. I looked up the school I would potentially transfer to and found out that not only was it 15 minutes from my grandparents house, I would be saving over $20,000 to attend there instead of here for next year. There were many other factors but all this to say- God started handing me the clarity I had been asking for and I started following. It hasn't been easy to get my head around, but as with most things God has done in my world, the peace He places in the midst of the uncertainty is more than enough to hold and comfort me.
I handed in my application and essay soon after. Here's an excerpt from what I wrote for the school:
"...As much as my heart is in science, nursing, and people, there is a difficult aspect to transferring from the school which I now attend into a "new world" all over again. To choose to be uprooted from my comfort zone, to adjust again to a new atmosphere, new faces, classrooms and professors. To step away from everything dearly loved and familiar into the brand-new unknown. In that sense, I am deeply saddened, yet not timid of this potential change. Because I know nursing is what I want to study, what I feel called to pursue, I am willing to step out into the unfamiliar and alter my world all over again in order to do so. I believe God has called me to the nursing field and I am excited to see where He takes me in that..."
When I started writing this post I was not expecting to share all of this with each of you. But as I wrote God guided my words deeper than I had thought they would go. I don't know if that was particularly for me, to be reminded again of the depth of His goodness, or maybe something He put on my heart spoke to you as well. Who knows. What I do know is that I serve a God who holds me in mighty hands. I pray that you might come to know His love and power in your own world. His not a "comfortable" God- I have come to learn that plainly. But He is more than worth it. I promise you that.
Much love to whoever you are, where ever you are at. In Jesus' Name.
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