"Questions invite authenticity. Questions give us permission to wonder. Questions open the door for wisdom...questions do disturb things. Seeing ourselves more clearly is not always comfortable-but it is always good." -C.D. Baker, Forty Loaves
This entire semester I have struggled to see a bigger picture of my current life. I've thought about how I would sum everything up if someone were to ask what I was learning or what God was doing in my world. And each time I thought about it, all that would come to mind was a bigger, more confusing mess of thoughts. However as I prepare for finals, between the "eat, study, coffee refill" cycle, for some reason its now that my head is beginning to clear. I'm realizing that there wasn't a series of summaries this semester. No nicely tied-up chapters. Instead this semester was characterized by a long series of questions. A journey that often seemed as if it had no intention of ever ending. A journey that now, I kind of hope never will.
I learned a lot this semester. For the first time in my life I was in a place with an abundance of space, energy and time to grow. Living with my grandparents I had a room and a car to myself and plenty of time to figure out how to connect in this new environment. So I explored and pushed myself to meet new people, find new connections, locate a church. Which I did, and began to meet some really great individuals. But as I made those connections I also began to evaluate things I had never quite taken the time to before. It was the first time I had been away from my Christian "safety net". As I was surrounded by people who held completely different beliefs and standards from my own I found myself wondering if there really was any substance to this idea of Christianity at all. Do I actually buy into this belief system? Is God actually guiding my life and the reason why I am here at this university? Or did I just get accepted based on the logical reasoning that I am reasonably well-rounded, smart, and willing to fight for it? These are just a few of the questions which began to spin through my brain.
Now I know questions like these might sound pretty contrary to what many of you know about me. They certainly seem to be quite a change from my last post. Maybe they sound heretical, or ungrateful, or just plain wrong. But the reality is, they were questions in my head whether I liked them or not. And I reasoned that if God truly was all that I had believed him to be, then my questions would not be too big for him to handle. My doubts were not going to topple him over. I mean, if they did then he wouldn't be the God I believed in in the first place, so what did I have to lose? I didn't want just an answer, I wanted truth.
So I started asking my questions. Excitedly, unashamedly, but also with fear when I felt very alone amidst them all. As I said I was away from my support networks and only in the beginning stages of finding new roots here. My boyfriend and best friend were certainly "with" me in terms of staying in touch but I struggled to communicate my jumbled thoughts even to them, and they couldn't be beside me day to day. Lonely and lost would be two words I would use to describe this time. But also honest. No questions were off limits. "Why Jesus?" "Why church?" "Do I legitimately believe that talking silently to an invisible God does anything?" "How do people legitimately connect with God-if they even can?" As the semester continued on, I did find some companions for my journey. Friends who were simply open to my questions and to asking some for themselves. A church group that let me push back against their arguments. People willing to admit that they didn't have all the answers, or life all figured out. Life was still a confusing mess but at least I was not alone.
Over the course of the semester my questions continued to become more focused and personal, hitting home painfully. They ranged from my connection with God, to standards, to relationships and ultimately to my identity. What parts of myself were true in certain settings and which were me at my core? The extremely vast majority of these questions I had asked myself before, but in this new place and new chapter in life, they begged to be evaluated again. Call me crazy, or analytical...both of them are likely a little bit true.
Grand finale-
Just kidding. I'm still not done with this whole process. There isn't any grand finale to this post and no epic conclusion. I have a reasonably solid grasp on what I believe about who God is, who Jesus was, and what that means for me day-to-day. And if you want to talk with me about any of those "conclusions" or other questions of your own I would be thrilled:) But what I've learned is bigger than what I've found so far. The point is that I'm not done looking. The point is that I hope I will continue to ask questions for the rest of my life. Hard questions. That I would always be willing to evaluate what I believe and why. That maybe I can be someone else's companion for the journey. Recognizing together that it will be both exciting and often terrifying. But fully, completely, 100% worth it. Truth is worth it.
If there are two things I have learned without a shadow of a doubt this semester, it is that if you have questions- its so important to ask them. Not everyone is brimming with questions, because that isn't the way we all work. We all see God and the world a little differently. But I would bet there are more questions-to-be-asked out there than we want to admit. More than I wanted to admit. Its important to be willing to ask even the most ridiculous questions. Because if they really are that ridiculous, the answers shouldn't be too hard to come by with a little searching.
Secondly- I've learned the importance of a companion willing to walk with you. I don't know if I did my questioning the "right way", (if that even exists) but I do know that bouncing questions off of those faithful few, regardless of their beliefs or background, was what helped keep me (mostly) sane.
My prayer is that if you have questions sitting in the back of your head, that you wouldn't let them keep sitting there. That you would be willing to be vulnerable. That's what it takes. A smidgeon of courage and a heaping scoop of vulnerability. My prayer is that you would find someone to walk with and start on your way. My prayer is that you would be willing to be like a child- not cynical, or hard, but obnoxiously inquisitive. Based on my experience this semester, my guess is that your asking will be well worth the time.
"Wisdom is found when troubled hearts ask honest questions" -C.D. Baker, Forty Loaves
